In a stunning new development, Rob Gronkowski has passed the third grade. His graduation came as a result of his passing grade on the final spelling test of the year, in which Gronkowski was able to correctly spell the word “fan.”

Gronkowski’s mother, Diane, said — while emphatically crying tears of joy, “I never thought he’d do it. This is the proudest of him I’ve ever been.”

Gronkowski’s teacher, Ms. Janson, said, “Robby was a very good boy. He always played nice with the other children and shared all of his juice-boxes and lunchables. One day he will grow up to be a nice young man.”

Wary of his long injury history, the Patriots’ brass has decided to amputate and replace all of Rob Gronkowski’s arms and legs with bionic parts.

“Lol it’s gonna be SICK,” said Gronk. “I’m gonna be like R2D2 out there. And R2D2 is a guy who I have really tried to model my life after, so I think it’ll be great.”

When asked if he feared any negative repercussions from the surgery, Gronkowski said he hadn’t thought that far ahead. He then proceeded to fart and laughed uncontrollably for the following minute.

When asked how he managed to lead the Cavs to victory against the Indiana Pacers on Sunday, star LeBron James said, “First and foremost, I’m the most bitchiest player in the league. I threw Ty Lue under the bus at the beginning of this series, I criticized JR Smith’s shot-selections last game, and I only just recently allowed Kevin Love to start sleeping inside (he was previously an outdoor dog).”

“That kind of bitchiness is just unprecedented,” said James. “It’s what gets my team to play such beautiful ball.

“Remember that Zero-Dark-23 thing where I claimed I would not use any social media throughout the playoff? Yeah, just posted a Snapstory yesterday. That’s called elevating your bitchiness come playoffs.

“Think MJ was this bitchy? Kobe? HELL no. And that’s why I’m the greatest to ever do it.”

In a stunning development, Speakeasy Sports has learned that Patriots’ recent draft pick Isaiah Wynn was not the player that the team intended to select with the 23rd overall selection in the 2018 NFL Draft.

According to sources, Head Coach Bill Belichick was enjoying a large glass of Jets Owner Woody Johnson’s tears while repeatedly mumbling to himself, “yes, yes, I win, I win.” Other members of the Patriots’ war-room believed Belichick’s “I win” comment was in reference to Isaiah Wynn, who is listed as “I. Wynn” on the official draft card.

Fortunately for the Patriots, the player who sources reveal they originally intended to take with the 23rd pick — 5’8” white-dude slot-receiver Braxton Berrios — fell to them later in the draft. “You can never have enough short, white-dude slot receivers,” Belichick said. “They are the most valuable asset in the NFL. If the league would let me, I would field a roster of exclusively of albino oompa-loompas. You can’t teach that low center of gravity.”

 

Yodel Kid — y’know, that kid who was weirdly yodeling in a Walmart one time and a week later was like somehow invited to perform at Coachella — has recently been arrested on suspicion of drug trafficking and prostitution.

“I don’t give a F***,” said Yodel Kid as he was forcibly dragged into a police van. “So what if I sell a little rock or hit some b*tches on the side? Errbody do that where I’m from.”

“I’m this generations John Lennon. Man, Beethoven, Elvis — they WISH they was as talented as me,” shouted Yodel Kid from the back of the police van.